When I Was Angry With God

Okay, I admit it. Every year at Christmastime, I came to Jesus with a wish list. In case He forgot. It’s a birthday celebration, and there should be plenty of presents. And treats and goodies. Okay, I admit it. Every year, the list grew longer. Because apparently some of the wishes were still on the list. Meaning, they didn’t come true yet. And then there were years when I didn’t even bother showing Him my list. As if He needed me to. As if He asked for one. Because I got angry. I grew tired of showing Him and reminding Him of my list. I grew tired of making the list. Why bother? Instead of crossing it off, I kept adding things that I wanted. No. Things that I needed. I guess this time it’s different. A dear friend of mine got lymphoma cancer. She found it out in February. It was stage 3 already. I prayed. Althought not as fervently as I should. Because, you see, I was still pouting. But I prayed. Everytime I got a chance to. While I was washing dishes. While I was doing my laundry. While I was driving. I prayed. I guess I prayed because I was selfish. I remember what it felt like when my doctor told me the result of the biopsy. That it was benign. I felt like I had brushed shoulders with death after that nasty, depressing surgery. And I was the lucky one. I made it ‘till today. I guess I prayed because I was sad. Up ‘till this day, I’m still grieving for my Dad’s passing. So I knew what it must have felt like for her family to lose a wife and a mother. I wasn’t ready to hear another bad news. I guess I prayed because I was angry. My friend was still able to put a smile on her face when she had lost all her hair. She was still able to declare that the Lord provided what she needed while she could no longer stand up on her feet after chemotherapies. How could someone, anyone, do such a thing? I called it selfish because this time I prayed without faith. I prayed for God to ease her pain. To make it quick and painless. I prayed and expected the worst. I braced myself to hear news about her. And today I heard the news, alright. It wasn’t the news I expected, though. She told me today that she was on remission from her cancer. That her scan result showed that she was all clear. I cried tears at my office desk. When she told me that she felt like the person whose friends made a hole in the roof and lowered her to the feet of Jesus. That the faith of her friends made her win this battle. That she would not take this second chance to live for granted. I cried tears when I told her that I praised God for her. He caught each tears that falls. He still heard my faint cries. He saw my exhaustion of clinging to the Rock with my fingernails. He knew I needed to surrender. Because He’s still in charge. So this year, I know the list I’d show God would be a completely different one. Instead od a wish list, it would be grateful list. Because there’s so much to be thankful for. Because there’s so much that I haven’t done for Him. Including saying simple thanks. Including giving all glories to Him alone. And then I saw those cute things on the internet…..